this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
