No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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