i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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