I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I've blown a few things in my day
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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