Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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