i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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