listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
