um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize