i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
