Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
