I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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