Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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