i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
