I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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