I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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