I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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