Swine flu. Run for my life!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I will pee on everything he values.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
