I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
