im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
