upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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