Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
