She's JV to your varsity
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
