once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
