I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
