i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
