he puts the penis in happiness.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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