Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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