I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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