I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize