me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
