Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
