i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
