I wanna bring you to show and tell
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
