Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
