I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
