there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
