If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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