Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
