Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
