Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
