The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
