oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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