Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
