the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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