it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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