You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize