He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
where am i from again
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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