my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
