Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
