The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
