I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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