worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
