i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
