I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
